PiratesArrrNeat!

I got a good scare this weekend... thankfully everything turned out ok, but it reminded me how fragile life is and to cherish what i have and not take it for granted.

The boyfriend was headed out to see me for dinner on Friday night... it was raining pretty hard. He'd told me he'd be out here by 8, but apparently forgot about our date and called me at 8 to tell me he was just then leaving. I was not a happy camper... I'd showered after work, gotten dressed, and even cleaned my apartment in a hurry, and then was going to have to wait another hour or so for him to get here. Not to mention, I was starving. So... I was a little frustrated with him. I told him to hurry up, but in retrospect, I shouldn't have. Yeah I was angry, but that's never worth compromising on safety.

Anyway... he'd just gotten on highway 75, and was in the left-most lane of traffic, going under the speed limit. He hit a patch of water, and started to hydroplane to the right... Miracle #1: he didn't hit anyone in the lane to the right. He over-corrected back to the left, which sent the explorer into a spin, eventually ending in its tipping over onto the driver's side and skidding to a stop, with the roof facing oncoming traffic. Miracle #2: that no one hit the roof of the car... that could have potentially been really bad.

After relocating his shoes which had flown off, he climbed out of the passenger side window above him, thanks to some people who had stopped to help. The police and ambulance arrived quickly, but he had to stand out in the cold, pouring rain for a while getting everything figured out.

I'm so thankful that he escaped with just a few scrapes and bruises... although the explorer was not so lucky. Just makes you thankful for the time you have here... he was lucky, but it could have easily been a much worse situation.

ahh advertising. it's such a fun industry! if you'd like to know a little more about the kind of world i live in, just watch the following monster.com spoof on You Tube:

http://youtube.com/watch?v=KpqwrEdlo4s

yesterday, my boss had a meeting with me about "how to make the client like me more". he said, "you and i don't have personalities that, well, are good at making people like us. we have to figure out ways to make people feel all warm and fuzzy, because we're not very good at it."

...what? speak for yourself, Buster! my client is not always happy with me, that's a given, but i like to think that it's more about the nature of my job and not me as a person. i've never had problems making friends... but i can see why my boss, on the other hand, would include himself in the above category. he went on to explain that we've just hired someone, who will be working with me. and of course, no one let me meet her before the decision was made... but oh well... i'm used to not having much of a voice. anyway, he said "you know, the client is probably going to like her a lot quicker than they'll ever like you."

i looked at him and thought about the first week i was on the job, and he told me that everyone at the entire agency loved him. i silently reminded myself that his judgement is a little askew.

he continued, "but don't worry, it's just because she won't be doing the hard stuff you're doing, and she'll probably never have to be the messenger of bad news to them for a while."

i then smiled on the inside as i dreamt of the day next fall when i tell him i'm leaving to go back to school, and he and the newbie will be alone on this account. i can't wait to see the look on his face when he realizes that he will be again working on all the billing, invoice problems, and mundane projects he gave to me.

when work was finally over, i got to go do some more work... this time to buy ladies' underwear at Scary Wal-Mart (this particular establishment is thus named because I usually try to never go there after dark... but it's the closest one to me). i ABHOR walking into Wal-Marts, but I'm forced to do it for my job because of my client's strong relationship with them. driving into the parking lot, i was following a car with about 20 bullet holes in the back door (typical for this store), and i knew it was going to be a fun trip.

i perused through plus-size and ladies' underwear and socks and bought $50 worth of product to take digital pictures of today (research for an upcoming photo shoot). in the self-checkout line i stood behind a man who was buying one item: Lice-Removing Shampoo. i took a few steps back, and made a mental note to not put my things down on the counter where his item had just been.

after buying my big bag of underwear and socks, i had to go to customer service. see, during the last week of December i had bought the PS2 game Guitar Hero II for the boyfriend. well, due to Wal-Mart.com's stellar customer service and delivery, i'd been sent three or four e-mails from them saying that they didn't know when the item would be shipped, that they were having delivery problems, and that they didn't know when the item would be delivered to that store to pick up. oh but they did charge my credit card for the amount right off the bat. i bought the item from a different vendor, and it arrived at my apartment within four days. i wanted to cancel my Wal-Mart order, but i was told at this point that it had already shipped (Dec. 11). apparently, once an item has shipped, all you can do is go to the store and return the item you never actually picked up in the first place.

i went to the customer service counter and explained my problem, and they said that i had to have the paperwork from me to give me a refund. i didn't have the paperwork, but knew that they could look up my information on the computer. the employee helping me went to talk to someone else about this, and came back, and then asked me if i had the item with me to return. *sigh* "no, i don't have the item in my possession. i NEVER have had the item. i don't even want it anymore. i just want my money back." it wasn't really their fault for not understanding... the English language is not frequently spoken in the Wal-Mart i was enjoying.

she said that she now understood my question, and that i'd have to go to the back of the store to Layaway to pick it up, bring it back to the front of the store at customer service, and return it. this was getting ridiculous. so i went to Layaway, and of course, it was empty. i stood waiting for a while, and then started walking around in the fabric section to try and find someone to help. an idling employee finally came over to make the announcement "customer needs assistance in Layaway, customer needs assistance in layaway." no one came.

i noticed an employee named "Angelica" working in the fabric section cutting some material for someone, and she looked up and saw me and said, "It's just me back here, ok? I'll be over there in a minute, but you'll just have to be patient." She didn't look like she was in much of a hurry to get back to Layaway to help anyone.

She finally sauntered over to the counter and stood there and looked at me and said "what do you need". I told her my issue, and she also said that she would need to see paperwork. I told her that no, she didn't, that she could look it up on her computer. if not, i would just call the Wal-Mart customer service line right then, and get the number from someone who COULD look it up. after several times of insisting she had to see paperwork, she reluctantly said "well let me see your ID". she then proceeded to try to enter my name about 7 times, slowly pecking each letter with one finger, and i watched her spell it wrong every time. she said that i wasn't in their system, and asked me if i'd entered someone else's name to pick it up. i said something like, "no, i'm supposed to pick it up. how are you spelling my name?" (spelled it for her)... she looked at me as if I'd just told her that I'd run over her dog and then had asked her to provide me with customer service. she pointed to the ID and said "i'm spelling it just like it is on here." A guy named Jesus walked up and said, "maybe you should try it with her phone number. have you tried that?" she asked me for my number, and apparently typed it in correctly this time, because the order number came up, magically, on the screen. i thought all was solved, but no.

she said "we don't have this here, i can't give you a refund." i said "what?" she said, "it hasn't been shipped yet. there's nothing we can do. you can call or go online and cancel the order though because it hasn't shipped yet." by this time i wanted to scream. i said, "maam, i just called the main Wal-Mart customer service line, and they told me that it has shipped." Jesus chimed in and said that sometimes it takes UPS a few days to send the item. i told him that yes, i understood that, but the item had apparently shipped on December 11, which was a MONTH AGO. he furrowed his brow and said "hmm, yes you're right, that is a long time..." again the Wicked Witch of the West and her sidekick Jesus told me they could not do anything more. the Witch sauntered back out of Layaway to cut some more fabric. i stood there and called the Wal-Mart customer service line, and when a representative answered my call, it went something like this:

"hello, this is WalMart.com, how you doing today?"
"ohhh, not very well. i'm having BIG issues with Wal-Mart right now."
"oh i'm sorry to hear that, how can i help you?"
"well let's see. i ordered an item on november 24. in december i get an email saying that the item didn't ship when it was supposed to, then another email saying you're having delivery problems, then another email to say that it has shipped from the warehouse but you have no idea when it will be delvered to the store BUT you will send me an email when it's arrived at the store for pick-up. i've tried to cancel the order on the phone, but since it's "shipped", i can't do that. i have to go to the store. you say it's at the store for pick up, the store says it's not. my item is out in space somewhere apparently, and no one knows where it is, and i dont even care... I DONT WANT IT ANYMORE. I DON'T CARE WHERE IT IS. I JUST WANT MY MONEY BACK. and no one can seem to do that for me."

she listened to me patiently, and, hallelujah, was the first person i've talked to at Wal-Mart in the past two months that was actually willing to do something to help me. she said that she was going to call Layaway at that store directly, and tell the Wicked Witch of the West to give me a refund (ok so she didn't use that name, but i began mentally switching names out). she put me on hold, and i sat in the again-empty Layaway room, and listened as the phone rang and no one answered. thankfully, she kept calling, and then magically a different lady emerged from the back room on the phone and started typing on the computer. she must have been in the back eating donuts instead of working, i don't know. Wicked Witch had disappeared completely, probably to go kill some puppies. she was rude to the lady, saying things like "well maam, i can't do anything if this person isnt here. she's going to have to come into the store." i just waited until a look of realization came over her face and she looked in my direction and noticed me in the room all of a sudden and smiled. "uh, yes, ok, she's here, she's sitting here in the room." she then decided to mark the item as "missing" in the system, which finally allowed me to get my money back. i grabbed the receipt from her, and got out of the store as fast as i could before something else happened.

i had, at this point, spent about an hour in a Wal-Mart, which was exactly an hour more than i would prefer to spend in any Wal-Mart. for those who know me, i detest Wal-Marts, and when I'm forced to go there, i usually come out with a very bad attitude, sometimes yelling. every time i use a self-checkout line (which, one would think, would be faster for those of us who have just a few items), it never fails that i am behind at least two people who have never used the machine before. they are confused by it, and don't have a clue what button to push, or when, or why. many times i have had to restrain myself from cutting in to complete their transaction for them. and that's after i've spent half an hour trying to walk briskly past large groups of people (in more ways than one) who are going about .0000000000001 mile an hour as they stop to gawk at every Nascar item in the store.

in short, i will never, ever, ever buy another item from WalMart.com, and i urge you to do the same. there are plenty of other quality vendors out there that would love your business. you'd be supporting healthy market competition. in fact, i encourage an all-out boycott of Wal-Mart as a whole. i'm sick of the low level of customer service they provide, just because they know they can get by with it.

I have two words for you, Wal-Mart. "Tar-get".

Note to self, or anyone else who will be in a management position someday:

RESPECT those who work "beneath" you! You may be terrific at your job, make a killer salary, and be the smartest person you work with, but if you don't respect those around you and treat them as you'd like to be treated, you'll never gain the credit or respect in the workplace you're looking for... someday, it will come back to haunt you.

I cannot count the times my boss has called me up to his desk to meet about something, and then has abruptly interrupted our meeting to take a phone call or answer e-mails. Not only does he rudely interrupt like this, but he proceeds to joke, laugh and generally goof off while on the phone and does not just talk business. Meanwhile, he expects me to sit there, waiting on him to get off the phone to continue our conversation. As if I have nothing better to do than wait around on him. Today, after the thousandth time of waiting on him for over 10 minutes for him to get off the phone after he'd interrupted our billing discussion (for which i had a bunch of questions I needed to ask him), I finally just left. Right now, I don't really care if he's mad at me... I'm tired of letting people walk all over me like that.

Does he treat his superiors like this? Negatory. He never makes THEM wait on him to make a call, or forgets about meetings he has with them, just me. Someday, I hope to have a job through which I'll feel respected as a person...

Until then... here's to hope! And a good vent session with friends (my lifesavers) later tonight! ;-)

"Thank You for Choosing Your Skiatook Wal-Mart".

Hey, no problem, Wal-Mart. Although, I have to admit, it was a bit of a tough decision for me. I was actually thinking about going to the Dollar General down the street, but then I realized that they just don't have the grocery selection that you do. I also thought seriously about choosing the other closest Wal-Mart that is about 30 miles from here, but then again, gas is just so darn expensive these days. So finally, considering the fact that there is no other store or shop within this town that sells anything but cowboy boots and hats or antiques, I decided to choose you.

You're welcome, Wal-Mart.

Oh, and one other thought... you know, you could probably take down that stupid Thank You sign you have up when people walk out, or even change it to something like, "Ha Ha you morons have nowhere else to shop but here, you stupid small-towners", and I bet your business wouldn't even suffer a bit.

This is the pic of my friend Jomart I was talking about below... notice the great backdrops they have over there in Kyrgyzstan... pretty impressive ;-)

ok... junk e-mails. why do they exist? and second of all, why do they always have ridiculous titles, as if that's going to make me want to open it and read it? for example, today I got two emails titled "outwardly bookmark" and "staircase cocoa powder". (ben brought up a great point that these might make good band names. and by "good" he means "crappy" of course.)

so anyway, i thought i would take a look at my "Trash" folder and list some of the better titles, just for fun. if any of you are thinking about starting a band and need a name, you might consider the names below. just as long as you give me credit ;-)

"hi there Luciano", "bob Sunday", "abashed flatly", "dart contrast", "incarceration despondently", "scruffy scissors", "piously mama", "glower", "polymer questionnaire", "priceless wilderness", "sympathetically sphinx", "thug none" (rap band right there), "beloved"

whoa, it's good i went through my trash... i accidentally deleted an email from a guy i know in Kyrgystan! He sent me a picture of him as a Kyrgyz soldier... pretty interesting

and with that, i must be off to work on my honors thesis that's due in a week... and i haven't yet started it :-(

so i'm watching tv, eating lunch, getting ready for the day, and i see some commercial for a show called Dallas SWAT or something. anyway, these police officers are talking about how "the suspect shot at police officers". i have one question. why is it "the suspect"? i mean, seriously... at this point, isn't it a bit more than "suspect"? i would have said "the perpetrator", or "the shooter", or "the guy with the gun who is shooting people". there's no suspection about it.

i like dr pepper. i am finishing one now... even though its 2:29am and i'm almost delirious from PowerPoint creation. but, there is a point to this story. tonight i went to OTB with some pi phi seniors after our last chapter, and while mentioning to a few of them that i do not yet have a job, what do you know! one of them has a sister who works in HR at cadbury-schweppes! i was way excited. even though it will probably not turn out to anything, just like the other 48,000 contacts i've gotten, it's fun to think about nonetheless. because after all, i AM a dr pepper-aholic... what could be better than free dr pepper at work???

Wooo April! I love this time of year... it is so refreshing. I love the blooming trees and flowers, the Oklahoma thunderstorms and threats of tornados, the beautiful campus... it's great. One of these days around sunset I really want to go walking around campus with a camera and document it all. Not just because it's gorgeous in the spring and I've never done that, but I'm about to graduate and I want some pictures of the place I've called home for four years. I'm going to miss it... I feel like I've taken a lot of OU for granted these past few years. Like maybe I've gotten too caught up in other things to really appreciate the place I've been, the people I've been around, the opportunities this place has had to offer. So for this last month (yeek! so short?) I've vowed to do all the things that I never did because I was either too busy or too concentrated on other things... I want to go horseback riding/learn to play polo with the OU Polo team, go swimming in the OU pool, take more late-night walks around the silent and beautiful campus, go to the duck pond and have a picnic, go outside somewhere pretty and paint for an afternoon, go to more plays/musicals/cultural nights, utilize the Huff a little more (ahem), etc. I've gotten a lot out of OU, but I feel like there's just so much more that I COULD have done. But at the same time, I know that I wouldn't have had the amazing experiences that I've had if I hadn't concentrated on them as much. I've made some amazing life-long friends, and it's going to be pretty weird this summer when I leave it all for good.

I went to visit my sister Leah this weekend for Easter... it was good to see her. Got to meet the new boy of hers too, Greg. Virginia is pretty this time of year... lots of azaleas and flowers. We went shopping and I spent WAY too much on frivolous dresses and skirts that I'll probably never wear, watched a thunderstorm from our hotel window in the dark, ate pizza and watched movies, walked around CaryTown... it was good sister time.

Today my good friend Whitney and I and Jon went to Second Chance animal shelter again... i LOVE puppies. I can't wait til I'm finally settled down somewhere and can actually get a puppy... even though I know that's probably several years off at least.

Job searching is, in a word, STRESSFUL. There is nothing worse than the feeling of knowing that in about 30 days, I am going to be without a house or apartment, and at this point I have not a CLUE what company I will be working for, where I will be living this summer, if I'll be able to spend much time with Jon or even be NEAR him, or where my future is taking me. I thought that choosing a college was hard... wrong. I think now that choosing a college is easy... you can always find your niche wherever you are. But this... I mean... this is essentially going to direct the rest of my LIFE. I've always wanted to move to California, but don't feel that right now is feasible... will I get to do that one day? Will moving to Texas and getting settled prevent me from finding opportunities there? Should I have gone to Law/Grad school instead of taking some time off to work? Will I be able to transition back to school later? Where will I go? It's difficult for me because I feel like I have all this momentum... like I have been working so hard all of my life so far... for 22 years, I have really been blessed... opportunities have fallen in my lap, and I feel like I've made the most of it. I guess i just have a feeling that if I take time off to work, will that momentum be lost? I don't want to slow down... I just have this feeling that I was meant for something big... I want to make a difference in this world... and I feel like everything that I've done in life has just been to prepare me for something, but I don't know what yet. I guess that's the most stressful part. I know there's a plan for my life, and although it's stressful waiting to see what will be revealed, I guess i just need to trust in that. I just don't feel like I have been given all the opportunities I've been given thus far in life to settle into a boring, same-old-same-old job... I think I would get restless... there's something else out there for me...

Sorry for the rambling. It's interesting being a senior...need to vent from time to time I guess. ;-) til next time...

So... some birds recently decided that Erika's and my mailbox would be a great place to raise a family. Since we have lived here, the lid has been rusted upwards so it doesn't close... which apparently makes for great real estate for birds since it doesn't keep them out, but does keep out the rain. Anyway, we tore out the beginnings of the nest a few times, but they kept putting it back... and before we knew it there was a very intricately-woven nest in our mailbox and now we just don't have the heart to take it out. Our mailman doesn't know what's going on, i think...i found this morning's mail crammed into the box on top of the nest. I think we're going to have to buy an alternate mailbox and nail it up there next to this one... I guess the good news is one of these days we'll come home to baby birds on our front porch every day. :-) But, we have to slam our door every time we close it, and Erika firmly believes that when the birds finally hatch, they will be retarded.

loooooong day yet again... seems like the past few weeks have been busier than usual, when they should be winding down... guess thats just the price to pay for being so close to the end.

had to get up early this morning after dumbly staying up late... although it was good to work out and then relax... had to go to a meeting with the Prez this morning, spend a good three hours or so deciding on President's Trophy winners. Then i was off to class, and then UOSA Exec, then frantic work at the office for half an hour or so, then class again, then back to the office for Cabinet.... then to dinner with friends, relaxing a bit finally... then tanning (12 minutes just for me!), then running over to the bf's to get my capstone book, then back home to, finally, take a hot shower and start studying. I have two tests this week... one Wednesday and one Thursday. Tonight and tomorrow are really my only days to study hard... Wednesday is going to be another heck of a day.

Long day... at home relaxing now. Several random thoughts I had today, just thought I would share...

1) I helped out as a judge tonight at the Latino All-Star Jam tonight, and I realized something. I really like Indian dancing. Not American Indian, but India Indian. If I ever decide to take a dance class, which I probably won't because I'm incrediby uncoordinated, I would take a class on how to dance traditional female Indian dances... I think they're so beautiful. I want to wear those colorful shiny dresses and go barefoot and dance like that... but then again I am not beautiful like Indian women, so I would probably just look silly.

2) I realized something else tonight. Babies are mesmerizing. I don't know if it's just me here or if other people notice this too... but when there is a baby in the room, I find that it is hard to take my eyes off of it... I look at the baby, and it's just so cute... and then I realize that its parents are probably beginning to become uncomfortable with the girl who is staring at their child and I look away.

3) Also, breakdancing is cool. And I can't do it.

Stay tuned for next week's random thoughts.

Sorry about those last few entries... they are rather depressing. Long story short, "he" and I are back together, and things have been going well for the past few weeks. I DID survive the space, and even though it was one of the hardest things I've ever been through, I think that it was a good thing. It made us realize that we had been taking some things for granted, and also showed us that if we are going to work, some things desperately needed to change. I guess only time will tell if those things actually are capable of changing... I really really hope they can, but in the back of my mind there is the tiniest sliver of doubt... and if that doubt becomes a reality, I don't even really want to think about that. I don't want to go through *that* (see below) again...

So it's a rainy Saturday afternoon, and I am sitting at home working on a take-home exam for my International Law class... on my Spring Break. yes.... i'm a loser. I went to Denver for a few days at the beginning of the week, and then to Austin/Dallas for a couple days, and have spent the last few days here at home working on stuff and hanging out with my best friend who's in town from Connecticut. We went to see "The Hills Have Eyes" last night... I wouldn't recommend it. It wasn't even satisfyingly scary... just really gory.

A little depressed that I'm home and not still in Denver with my bf and our friends... my parents annoy me SO much sometimes. Although it wouldn't have cost them ANYthing to let me go with them for a week, they insisted on flying me there and back, and only letting me stay for three days. Their reasoning? Not quite sure of the REAL reasons, but among them: "you just don't travel with a boy until you are married", "you should spend your spring break looking for a job instead" (although i have NEVER asked to go anywhere for my SB... they've always been spent home either preparing for campaigns or weddings), "you are not responsible", "we don't feel right about it" (although we stayed at our friend's parents' house, WITH his parents and younger sister), and last but not least "what would our friends say if you guys got in some sort of accident and they found out you had been travelling with your boyfriend." ?? Gahhhh.... my dad claims that i will be capable of "truly" making my own decisions when I graduate... two months from now... but until then, apparently I, a 22 year old adult, am still obliged to obey their every command. Mental note to myself: When you are a parent, realize that there is a point at which you MUST let your child make their own decisions, good or bad... You must trust that you have raised them in such a way that they will make sound decisions. LET GO. I am almost the age my older sister was when she was married, and my parents gave her complete freedom. Sometimes I really think that the only way I am going to get that too is to get married... which at this point, means I probably won't be out of their grip until I'm... who knows... 30??

SO anyway... they're all driving back today... apparently they had a lot of fun last night for St. Patrick's Day. I've tried to keep my mind off of it as much as possible... trying to not think about how angry I am with my parents. One thing I promised a friend to do recently is stay positive... and I'm trying... but sometimes the anger surfaces.

I'm ready to be back at school, sort of... when I get back there is going to be SO much to do... the job searching continues... the Term is almost over and I've got lots of things to wrap up regarding that... blahhhh...

My parents suggested a few days ago that I start looking for an "interim job" in Tulsa in case I can't find a job by then, and suggested being a waitress for the summer. If that isn't incentive for finding a job, and quick, I don't know what is. My main priority for right now is, I DO NOT want to live with my parents after I graduate. I'm pretty certain I would go insane.

Anyway... break time over, time to get back to this test. Until next time...

Sooo... it's been a while, I know. To those of you who faithfully check this every week to see if I've updated it, today is your lucky day! :-)

I don't have much to say, though, except that I went to see my friend Barron's piano recital the other night, and it was AMAZING!! He's so good, that he gave his Senior recital as a Freshman. As I later told him, the recital was like watching a sunset of a million colors, while eating a bowl full of chocolate ice cream, while flying, while listening to a chorus of angels. yes, it was that good. And then last night, my parents and bf and i went to see OU's production of "Noises Off"... it was really good as expected. My all-time favorite play.

What else, what else... I'm going to Washington DC in early March for the AIPAC Conference... I'm excited! It's going to be a semi-reunion of all my friends from the Project Interchange trip from Israel this summer... woohoo PI '05! Then my sister Leah is coming to visit me that week to see her friends and I, should be exciting. Then it's spring break!! I'm planning on going to Colorado with my boyfriend and some of our friends... hopefully it'll be relaxing and a good break from the craziness that is school.

My term as Prez is up at the end of March... I will probably be throwing a party if anyone wants to come. Not that it hasn't been fun... it has. But it's also been really really busy and a bit crazy at times. The only thing I'm worried about is, when April arrives, I won't have a CLUE what to do with myself and all the free time I'll have. I think my bf is worried about that too... I'll have to find something else to devote myself to I'm sure. Well, actually I'll probably still be searching for a job... I graduate in May and still don't exactly have anything lined up. If you have any ideas for me, please do let me know. I'm open to anything in the Texas/California/Kansas City areas.

Ok well I don't want to give you all an overdose... I should probably start this up again in small increments... so with that, I'm out to go run some errands at Wal-Mart, even though I'll have to journey my way over ice and snow and through the freezing weather to get there... arrrgh

Until next time! arrrr

"Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot. Who calls you back, even though you hung up on him. Who thinks you are perfect even though he knows the worst things about you. Who will stay awake just to watch you sleep. Wait for the guy who kisses your forehead, who wants to show you off to the world when you're in sweats. Who holds your hand in front of his friends, who thinks you're just as pretty without makeup, one who is constantly reminding you of how much he loves you and how lucky he is to have you. And the one who turns to his friends and says 'That's her'."

I've already found him.

it's time for... (dum dum dummm) Render's Random Thought of the Day!

I think that life is so complex because everything is the most important thing to someone. (Think about it.) And although that's frustrating sometimes, I think it's necessary for it to be that way.

So right now I'm reading Joan Didian's "Slouching Towards Bethlehem" for my Honors class, and I wish that I could write as elegantly as she, but alas, I cannot. So instead I'm just going to write a bunch of words/phrases/sentences describing my life as of this moment. Sounds exciting, huh? :-) Ok here we go!
Skunk odor filling my house right now to the point of near suffocation (is there a skunk in my room? what happened?), roommate procrastinating studying for her test tomorrow, boyfriend playing video games again, why does he never come to my house? why do i always go over there? should i give him less attention than i do? what has changed about us? i want to be with him forever, but can i deal with his inattention and live and trust solely in his words? i don't know. am i just weird? is this normal? sometimes i feel like this has lasted way too long... like it is inevitable that i'll get dumped in the end... that's how it always goes. why is that everyone loses interest? i told him it would happen this way. i miss gordo. i miss the late nights talking, laughing, crying... i miss fall at home. i miss being outside, going fishing, playing with my sisters, why can't i be forever 10? what does the future hold? should i go to LA? Law School? will i make the right choices? who am i supposed to be? determined to get a's this semester. getting burned out at work.. why is there always so much to do?? why are some people out to get me? mad about not getting my pictures from Israel from the girl who claims they were erased forever. show about water snakes on AnimalPlanet right now... just fascinating. yes travis you should definitely be wolverine for halloween. i need new direction for my life...what is my goal? i'm losing steam... nothing really gets me excited these days and i dont know why. birthday coming up... how am i already 22?? i remember crying all day because i didn't want to turn 7. i dont like change...change is the unknown. what's the point? i need to go to church more. i need to go home, to be refreshed. to play with my dog. to spend a day in the grove on my hands and knees picking pecans. to sit outside at night and watch for shooting stars. to listen to the bullfrogs and the crickets, and get away from all this mundane college noise. to visit my grandparents and wander around the pasture and watch the cows and the sunset. have i compromised too much? i'm not the same that i used to be, but am i better or worse? it's one in the morning and i am tired...i should go to sleep. goodnight all...

so i've decided that this semester i'm going to actually make time to just sit and think from time to time... maybe make time to actually start painting again... play the piano... read books i have wanted to read but have never had the time. i love my house this semester... it's actually clean and really cute as of this weekend when we got it ready for the "back-to-school tea party" that my roommate hosted... it's very homey and wonderful now. I love just being in my room by myself sometimes... opening both of my huge windows, turning off the light and on the fan, and some good music. A couple mornings ago it was thundering outside and it was nice to just be quiet and listen. i think this is going to be my solution to my stress... taking time to be quiet. this weekend, the last few days, and today have been especially trying emotionally, and i have a feeling that things are going to be somewhat like this more often than not this semester... I guess I'm just trying to decide what my game plan is going to be when it is like this. i'm so lucky that i have a boyfriend that is there for me when i need a shoulder to cry on, but i've realized lately that i can't continually just pour out everything on him... i don't want him to get bogged down by everything that troubles me, so i'm going to try to find other ways to get that stress out.
that said, it's time to listen to some Waterdeep "Enter the Worship Circle", drink some Blue Sky Raspberry Soda and curl up on my bed with the novel I'm supposed to have read for class by tomorrow. hope you all have had a better day than i.

In a weird mood today... not really sure why! You know those days that you feel upset but you can't put your finger on exactly what it is? Today's like that. Maybe it's just been a really busy week... I don't think I've ever been so busy in my life. Today is the exception... it's finally starting to settle down a little bit and I finally have a few things under control. I just feel like everyone all of a sudden is demanding my attention on a thousand different things, and I barely have time for the things I want/need to do, like do readings for my classes, or even eat lunch on most days. But this is what I signed up for... I knew it would be like this, so I can't complain much. And it's nice at the end of the day to be able to look back and reflect on the things I did that day and see that I really did do my best to make a difference... to change something.

But at the same time it can be frustrating sometimes. I feel like many of the people around me don't understand why I'm doing what I'm doing... when I try to explain things they usually look at me with a blank stare and I can tell they don't comprehend what I'm saying. They can't understand why I give up all of my time for something they may see as pointless and without consequence. I depend upon many of these people for retaining my sanity... to get away from all of the craziness when it is becoming too much to handle... but it is still painful sometimes to know that although they're there to help me, they still don't understand what I'm going through. I can tell them all day long about why I do what I do, but I can't force them to care.

But on the same note, I guess do it to them too... after I tell them about something huge going on in my life, they tell me about the party they went to last night and when they got so drunk they didn't wake up the next day until 5... and I give them the same blank stare. I guess it goes both ways. I understand that there should always be time for fun, especially right now in our lives... and believe me, I have enough time set aside for pointless fun. But there's a line there somewhere, and sometimes I just can't fathom the amount of their lives that some people allocate to mindlessness.

Anyway. I'm just in a down mood today. There is so much to be done... and aside from right now, on a Friday afternoon when I should be preparing to go to a reception in a bit, there is no free time... time to just sit and think. Thing after thing after thing comes up... person after person in and out of here all day long bringing up new problems, new suggestions, new ideas... which is great, that's what I'm here for. It just gets tiring, and I wish I had more people here to support me through it all. I'm sure they're out there having the times of their lives, though.